Fear: no, i'm not kidding

When most people talk of fear, it's of irrational things that can easily be brushed off with a small amount of courage. Long ago, i dismissed such things as fear. now, i truly fear only two things: the reality of the devil and his power, and something that i face every single stinking day of my life. During this blog, i won't talk about the thing i fear most. i will talk of that other thing i fear and face every stinking day of my life. I've faced it so often, unless i really think about it, i don't consider it fear. That thing is the constant inadequacy that i find so often. I can't change the world. i can barely change my own mind. it's sick how often i have to say "i can't". With that, what i truly fear most is that when i really need to say "i can!" i won't be able to. What has brought this on, is my new calling. i have officially been called to be the Assistant Ward Organist. now, yes, i took piano lessons for a very long time. but i just don't feel adequate enough to do such a thing. yes, only the first two rows can hear me cause i play the piano as the Ward Organist plays the organ, but it's still the reality of how often i feel like i disrupt the spirit with my many mistakes. and, because I'm running fifteen hours a day, i have a hard time finding time to practice. yeah, I'm sure that i could just stop getting on the computer, spend less time in the shower, etc. but honestly! I've got to have some time where i act irresponsibly! anyway, I'm working on it.